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For years I have sought to understand why. What is it about touch that can have such a profound impact? What is it ‘saying’ and how is it ‘saying’ it? 

Why was it that as I gently massaged an elderly lady’s hands as she sat rocking in her chair, staring at the floor, did she gradually lift her gaze to meet mine, and then, as if a veil had lifted from her eyes, did she whisper, “Am I still alive?”

Why was it that the teenage patients at Great Ormond Street Hospital were much more likely to share their hopes, dreams, fears, and worries with me when I was giving them a hand massage. 

How is that a recent study showed that 8 out of 12 emotions can be communicated through touch alone?

And why is it that holding a dying persons hand can feel like the most important thing to do? 

Maybe it’s because: 

• Touch has its own ‘language’. A language that is uncomplicated, authentic and gets under the skin.
• Touch is the first language we learn. And, if we’re lucky, it’ll say:” I see you and you are worthy of gentle touch and care.” As Psychologist Barboor Fredericks says: “Somewhere in our brains we carry a map of touch, of sitting on our mothers lap, holding hands, a caring embrace and when we are alone just knowing that these are there to hold if we fall gives us a sense of peace.” 
• The Hand Chakras are intimately connected to the heart chakra allowing loving energy to be transmitted.
• Touch helps people feel safe and “Humans are born with a “longing not only to feel safe but to feel safe in the arms of another”. Stephen Porges 
• Gentle touch causes brain waves to slow down and a cocktail of messenger signals to be released which positively affect all aspects of our biology and physiology. 
• A network of dedicated nerve fibres, called CT afferents, found in the skin, specifically detect and emotionally respond to the touch of another person, affirming our relationships, our social connections, and even our sense of self. Not surprisingly these nerve fibres are particularly attuned to three things: a light touch, gentle movement, and around 32 degrees Celsius, (skin temperature). Once stimulated, these nerves send signals to parts of the brain that deal with who we are socially, reassuring us we have a place in the social world of other people. Thus, touch brings us back into contact with ourselves and others. 

As the research continues I am sure we will find many more fascinating facts about why gentle touch has the silent ability to say so much and affect us more than words alone can ever do. 

“TOUCH HAS A MEMORY“

John Keats

For more information about future training days, events and offerings you can read more in The Gentle Touch Spring Newsletter

words: Helen Prosper

The post The Language of Touch appeared first on Wellbeing Magazine.

Everyone needs to feel valued, heard, seen and cared about. A Touch of Gentleness offers people just that.

Committed to bringing ‘connection touch and gentleness’ back to the forefront of society we train volunteers to give a beautiful hand massage whilst listening with deep gentleness.  This service is then offered out to the local community, care homes, hospices, organisations, and at events.

A Touch of Gentleness is a non for profit community interest company set up by Helen Prosper a counsellor, play therapist and massage instructor with the help of Jerry Brooks a priest and lawyer.

The benefits of A Touch of Gentleness include:

• Up-skilling people who become volunteers, giving them a sense of meaning and purpose and community. This in turn increases their self-worth and sense of wellbeing whilst reducing loneliness. 
• We also provide an outlet for people who have reached that stage in life when they want to give back, maybe to a particular group of society, in a heart led way.
• Providing recipients with some comfort, care and attention, helping them feel seen, heard and valued. In doing so we are reducing feelings of isolation and ‘care fatigue’ for those that are constantly giving but don’t get to receive.
• Bringing touch and all its emotional and physical benefits safely back to society. 
• Supporting other local communities such as Help The Aged or Help The Homeless, etc, by adding to what they are offering or by giving their volunteers and staff some-much needed care back.
• Bringing more gentleness into the world and encouraging people to live by its wisdom. Gentleness is a balm for the nervous system and as we soothe our own nervous system so we can then co- regulate and soothe another nervous system – and so the ripple effect begins. As we become calmer and feel more connected with ourselves, (thus healing ourselves from the inside out) and then connect with others, we become more heart centred, creative, and kinder to one another. It is with this energy, at this grass root level, that we can then co create a better more peaceful world.

For too long we have talked of world peace, though it isn’t our words, it is our action and the energy with which we do that action, and with which we live by that makes the difference.

Our next training day is in Eastbourne on Wednesday June 29^th 2022.

If you would like to join us please do get in touch. For more information please visit – www.atouchofgentleness.org

Helen Prosper

The post A Touch of Gentleness… appeared first on Wellbeing Magazine.

It is plain to see that what we eat affects how we feel, yet for some reason, it is not always the first place we think of looking when we don’t feel so good.

Traditionally, mental health issues were thought to occur as a direct result of some chemical dysfunction in the brain, so medical treatment was directed at the brain. More recent studies, however, have shown that mental disorders are not limited to the brain but are, in fact, ‘whole-of-body’ disorders, which are also influenced by the immune system and the gut microbiome, as well as by a whole variety of psycho-social reasons. Discovering the actual extent to which what we eat affects our mood and behaviour is a relatively new field of research, and recent studies are showing some amazing results.

One such study found that feeding violent prisoners healthy diets while in prisons reduced crime by 56% and by a whopping 80% when a multivitamin was added into the mix!

Likewise, in an experimental study of 3,000 incarcerated youths, snack foods were replaced with healthier options, and access to refined and sugary foods was dramatically reduced.

Over the 12-month follow-up there was a staggering:

• 100% reduction in suicides
• 75% reduction in the use of restraints
• 25% reduction in assaults
• 21% reduction in antisocial behaviour

In the Smiles trial by Felice Jackson, 67 participants with long-term clinical depression received dietary support for 12 weeks. During these weeks, they made small healthy tweaks to their diet, such as adding in more legumes, vegetables, fruits, olive oil and whole grains while reducing processed food.

After 12 weeks, 32% of the participants achieved full remission, meaning they were no longer considered depressed!! The people who improved their diets the most also had the most improvement in their depressive symptoms. Equally surprisingly and important to note, the cost of their food bill also went down!!

Obviously there are many factors that result in poor mental health but unlike most risk factors for depression including poverty, trauma and abuse, diet is something we can easily modify. Within the new field of Nutritional Psychiatry, researchers aim to identify nutrition-based approaches to preventing and treating mental disorders. A lot of this work is being done at the Food and Mood Centre in Australia.

How does diet impact our emotional health so much?

Well, the answer lies in the gut – microbiome – mental health triangle. The gut and brain have a 2-way communication system. And as we learn more about the 100 trillion micro-organisms which predominantly live in our gut, we are beginning to understand how they influence all aspects of our health, including brain chemistry and behaviour.

It turns out that as these bugs digest the plant fibre, which is indigestible to us, they create a host of by-products including vitamins, antioxidants, anti-inflammatory agents, hormones, and metabolites that regulate the immune system, and as the latest research is showing, command the CNS and brain.

It is primarily in the gut, not the brain, that these micro-organisms help convert tryptophan into serotonin, the ‘feel-good’ neurotransmitter. The gut produces more than 90% of the body’s serotonin! Other important hormones made in the gut that affect how we feel include:

• Dopamine, the motivation hormone
• Oxytocin, which looks after love, trust, and self-esteem
• Melatonin, the darkness hormone which encourages good sleep, and we all know how rubbish we feel when we don’t sleep well!

Looking after these gut micro-organisms is a key factor in good mental health, and the biggest thing that affects them is our diet.

To nourish our good bugs, we need to eat food from a wide variety of vegetables, legumes, and fruits as they contain the dietary fibre the bacteria and viruses like to digest. We also need to cut down on the foods that the good bugs don’t like, such as sugars and refined highly processed foods. Click here for a list of microbiome friendly foods.

Other big threats to our microbiome come from:

• Antibiotics, though sometimes necessary, they act as napalm to our microbiome village
• Over sterilisation, which is unavoidable right now given the COVID crisis

To help support the microbiome, especially after a course of antibiotics, good quality probiotics, which contain both the good micro bacteria and the food they like to eat, (known as prebiotics), can be taken.

Synergy Worldwide manufactures an all in one pre- and probiotic called ‘biome actives’. They have also formulated a ’21-day diet and supplementation’ programme, which helps get your gut back into balance.

Interestingly many people who have done this 21-day programme, myself included, not only experienced improved physical health and better digestion, but also felt an increase in energy, a deeper feeling of wellbeing, positivity, better sleep, and a reduction in feelings of anxiety.

For more information about Synergy’s 21-day programme or to register for a webinar held every other Wednesday evening about the microbiome and how to support it, please contact me.

What we eat matters on every level. So next time you go to eat something, why not pause a moment and ask yourself: “Does this nourish all of me, including those trillions of bacteria that are working tirelessly inside of me, to bring me good health?”

And if the answer is no, maybe chose something else instead.

words: Helen Prosper

The post Food and Mood appeared first on Wellbeing Magazine.

Learning is an amazing ability that humans have. It doesn’t start when you begin school, or indeed end when you leave full-time education, it is a life-long journey. And it is often the case that the more we know the more we realise we don’t know! There is no limit to the skills or knowledge you can gain by learning.

“If you are not willing to learn, no one can help you. If you are determined to learn, no one can stop you.” Zig Zigler

Learning is not just about the facts and figures that you learn in school, it’s also about improving your mind, enhancing your current skills, learning new ones and broadening your horizons to change the way you view yourself and the world around you.

In life, there is always something new to learn or discover. If you are attentive and curious to what is going on in your internal and external environment, you are likely to be learning all the time. 

Learning, keeps your mind active, sharpens your focus and makes you more ‘intelligent’, all of which are good for your brain health. Until a decade or so ago, many scientists thought that while children’s brains are malleable or plastic, neuroplasticity (our brain’s ability to change and grow) stops after age 25, when the brain is fully wired and mature. Fortunately we now know that the human brain is capable of change throughout life and that although we do lose neurons as we age, the adult brain can create new neuronal connections and even new neurons born from neuronal stem cells.

It is a case of use it or lose it!

As Carl Honore wrote in ‘Bolder’: “The chief obstacle to learning in later life is not the ageing brain: it is the ageist stereotypes that erode confidence and put us off trying new things in the first place”.

In fact, the older we get, the quicker we are at picking up new tricks in fields that are familiar to us. A survey by Buck Consultants reported that older workers learnt new tasks more quickly than the younger ones.

Researchers have identified the following three habits as facilitating neuroplasticity as we age:

1. Physical exercise (which increases blood flow to the brain, delivering much-needed oxygen)
2. Paying attention, and…
3. Learning new things

When we pay attention to what we are doing and how we are reacting to things it is possible to learn new and ever more helpful ways of responding to events. This supports our ability to self-regulate so we don’t get overwhelmed, and is especially important during this stressful ‘lockdown, no lockdown period’. One good thing of ‘lockdown’ was that for many of us our lives slowed down so we did have a chance to smell the roses, or taste the coffee. Waking up to our experience allows us to be present. It also allows the brain to be more active and flexible. 

One of the best ways to pay attention is to engage in mindfulness practices, whether through a formal practice of meditation or in more informal ways. So it turns out that learning to be fully present enables us to not only to deal with anxiety and stress better, though also keeps our brain healthy and flexible – a true win win!!

“Education is what people do to you and learning is what you do for yourself” Joi Ito 

Learning to play a new instrument, speak a new language or to dance are also fabulous ‘brain’ workouts. Crosswords, sudokus, puzzles and other mental activities are also great mind workouts, and as long as they continue to be challenging they help stimulate new nerve cell generation and connections. 

Reading is also a great mental exercise, as well as being an enjoyable pastime and a way to learn about new things. Many successful people spend a lot of time reading to improve their knowledge, as they understand that only by continuous learning and evolution can they stay successful. 

It is said that you will keep on making the same mistakes in life until you learn the lesson you need to, whether this is in your personal or professional life. So if you find yourself stuck in a Groundhog Day or holding pattern where the same things keep happening, maybe you could stop, take stock and try and work out what needs to change, learn and move on. 

And although learning can sometimes be tough, if you can push through the hurdles, you may find it makes you happier in the long run.

If you would like help around any aspect of your emotional and or physical wellbeing, please contact me on 07545 227272, email helen@livewellandprosper.uk or visit www.livewellandprosper.uk

Helen Prosper

The post The Wonder of Lifelong Learning appeared first on Wellbeing Magazine.

“Creativity is intelligence having fun” 

Albert Einstein

What is creativity? 

According to the dictionary, creativity is our inventiveness and our ability to use our imagination and transform our original thoughts and ideas into reality. 

And believe it or not, we are all born with this gift, this capacity to imagine the unimaginable. Our imagination helps us review the past and picture the future by connecting unrelated things.

As we grow older though, for many of us, outside influences squash our creativity flat. This is because society itself champions logical thinking and has pigeon-holed creativity and the art of being creative to artists, writers and musicians. 

A 1968 study by George Land tested 1,600 five-year-olds to see how creative they were. It revealed that 98% of them were effectively creative geniuses. The test was repeated on the same 1,600 children when they were 10 and 15 years old, and showed how the children’s’ creativeness dropped significantly over time.

5 year olds: 98% creative

10 year olds: 30% creative

15 year olds: 12% creative

A further group of 280,000 adults took part in the same test. That revealed that only 2% of adults were creative, which proved that non-creative behaviour is learned. And if it can be learned, then it can be unlearned! 

4 ways to boost your creativity 

Play

“It is in playing and only in playing that the individual child or adult is able to be creative and to use the whole personality, and it is only in being creative that the individual discovers the self.” 

D.W. Winnicott

Play feeds creativity. Remember when you were little, you would have no problem finding creative ways to relieve the boredom during six weeks of the summer holiday. Good ideas would rain down on us like a summer shower. 

So put your imagination to work and look at the world and the people around you with a child’s eye and relearn your ability to create new worlds, just like you did in summers gone by. Learning how to play again will help you reclaim your creativity. 

Daydream

Give yourself permission to get bored, contemplate and dream more. Take time to switch off from your daily routine, maybe listen to some music, sit in the garden or a comfy chair and just let your thoughts wander. 

Simply switching off will help your brain relax which will help create neural connections and let the creative thoughts flow.

Be positive

All ideas are good ideas until proven otherwise, and creativity is affected by your mood. When we’re happy we tend to be more creative.

Don’t ever doubt yourself or your abilities. If you can practice self-compassion rather than self-judgment that’s half the battle won. Resist the urge to doubt your creative thoughts and ideas. Invest in a journal and capture every single creative thought, idea, urge and flashes of inspiration that you have. They may not feel that creative at the moment but they may be the spark that lights the fire.

Try some divergent thinking

Do you roll your eyes when the boss mentions brainstorming or mind-mapping? 

Did you know that these are common divergent activities? Asking open-ended questions, those that can’t be answered with a ‘yes’ or ‘no’, helps us access our ability to think creatively and come up with new ideas.

So next time you have to go to a brainstorming session, clear your mind and let your imagination flow.

COVID-19 lockdown helped creativity blossom! 

From creating TikTok videos to setting up local cooperatives to producing PPE equipment for the NHS, creativity has come to the forefront during the recent lockdown.

Stuck at home, people have had to let their imagination run wild and think ‘outside the box’ to come up with ways to keep occupied, keep in touch with friends and family, entertain the children and, in some cases earn some money. 

What’s the most creative thing you’ve witnessed or done during lockdown?

In the end, creativity boils down to nothing more than our brain processing and creating new thoughts. So we should all give ourselves permission to unleash our creative genius. As Einstein said, it really is our intelligence having fun. 

If you would like help around any aspect of your emotional and or physical wellbeing, please contact Helen on 07545 227272, email helen@livewellandprosper.uk or visit livewellandprosper.uk

The post What is creativity? appeared first on Wellbeing Magazine.

‘There is nothing either good or bad but thinking it makes it so’. Shakespeare

‘Anger is the energy mother earth gave us as little kids to stand forward on our own behalf and say I matter’. Joann Peterson

‘State and story work together in a persistent and, if not interrupted, enduring loop’. Deb Dana

livewellandprosper.uk  – 07545 227272 

The post Embracing and understanding our emotions appeared first on Wellbeing Magazine.

The suggestions with the stars in the circles will be your first tiny habits to create. Choose just one to start with, and remember to congratulate yourself every time you achieve it.

Habits

Habits are made through positive emotions. Creating a positive feedback loop helps make a habit easier to build.

If you find it difficult to do any of the suggestions, though feel they would be positive for you to achieve, for instance cutting down on caffeine, alcohol, or screen time, perhaps think about working with a health coach to help you build a healthier morning or evening routine.

1. Get as much daylight during the morning as you can

• Ideally you should aim to get up to 30 minutes of sunlight on your face every day, even in the winter.
• Whilst at work, maybe you could think about taking a ‘daylight break’ just as people used to take cigarette breaks.
• Getting enough sunlight helps support our circadian rhythm, which is our internal body clock. It actually works on about 25-hour cycle, so we constantly have to re adjust it so it fits in to our 24 hour clock. And one way of resetting it is to get as much daylight in the morning as possible.

Why?

• Daylight creates serotonin which is a precursor to our sleep hormone, melatonin.
• Serotonin and melatonin are almost literally day and night in hormone terms. They perform opposite jobs and yet they must work in harmony to keep the body balanced. Within the pineal gland, serotonin is acetylated and then methylated to yield melatonin.
• Serotonin levels increase in sunshine and light, and synthesis and secretion of melatonin is dramatically affected by light exposure to the eyes.
• Light is quantified in Lux. Full sunlight is 30,000 Lux yet on a cloudy day we can still get 10,000 Lux from being outside compared to a brightly lit room which only provides 500 Lux.

2. Exercise

Many people report that they sleep better for exercising and it is a great way of completing the stress cycle. However, it is better not to exercise 2-3 hours before going to bed though.

3. Reduce caffeine intake after midday

This is because it can affect both your ability to get to sleep and the quality of your sleep. Caffeine is a powerful drug and like all drugs it has a half-life. 

A half-life is the time it takes the initial effect of a drug to reduce by 50%. Caffeine’s half-life is 6 hours, so if you have a coffee at say 4pm half of the caffeine will be still be in your blood stream and effecting you 6 hours later ie.10pm. 

It’s worth remembering that caffeine is also in tea, energy drinks and chocolate.

4. Reduce or cut out alcohol

Although alcohol is a sedative it does not induce natural sleep. Research shows that even small amounts of alcohol will fragment your sleep, so you wake up exhausted, without being aware that you frequently woke up. It also suppresses the REM sleep which is important for our emotional health. Hence it increases our feelings of anxiety.

5. Diet

Magnesium and potassium rich foods help promote relaxation and circulation. They include dark leafy greens, bananas, nuts, seeds, citrus, tomatoes, and whole grains. Foods high in calcium help to boost melatonin levels. In addition to dairy, soy, nuts, seeds, and whole grains are strong calcium sources.

Ideally finish your evening meal 3 hours before bed.

Bedtime snacks 

If you want a pre-bedtime snack, there are several snacks that research suggests promotes sleep. The top two I have heard about are pistachios and kiwi fruit.

Pistachios have a winning sleep-inducing combination of protein, vitamin B6, and magnesium, plus they contain exponentially more melatonin than other foods.

Kiwi fruit: A four-week study which involved 24 adults eating 2 kiwis one hour before going to bed each night fell asleep 42% more quickly than when they didn’t eat anything before bedtime and increased their total sleep time by 13%!

What’s behind the possible benefits of kiwi and sleep? There are a couple of characteristics of the fruit that may make it a strong sleep-promoting food: its high antioxidant levels and its high serotonin levels. 

Research has established a basic link between sleep and antioxidants in the body. Studies show that poor sleep is associated with decreased antioxidant levels, and also that recovery sleep appears to help restore antioxidant levels. Kiwi is also a fruit high in serotonin. 

Supplements

Supplementing with magnesium may lead to a deeper, more sound sleep. This is because magnesium plays a role in supporting deep, restorative sleep by maintaining healthy levels of GABA, a neurotransmitter that promotes sleep and regulates the production of melatonin.

Synergy have a magnesium supplement called Body Prime.

Take care of your gut microbiome. Growing evidence suggests that the gut microbiome can influence sleep quality. One of the most commonly felt benefits from Synergy’s ‘Microbiome Purify Kit’ is improved sleep. For more information, click here. 

6. Limit blue light exposure

The use of digital devices has increased significantly over the last few years with most of us spending the majority of our waking hours staring at a digital screen. In fact, studies suggest that 60% of people spend more than 6 hours a day in front of a digital device.

As our usage has increased, so has the digital screen technology with many of today’s electronic devices using LED back-light technology to help enhance screen brightness and clarity. It is these LEDs that emit the very strong blue light waves and because of their wide-spread use, we are gradually being exposed to more and more sources of blue light and for longer periods of time.

Avoid looking at bright screens beginning two to three hours before bed because this blue light affects our circadian rhythm.

• Use artificial light to a minimum
• Candle lit baths are very relaxing. 
• Have an electronic free hour before bed.
• Take the time to do something relaxing, especially if the news and social media is more anxiety provoking than useful!

7. Create your own relaxing, nourishing bedtime routine

Ahead of any bedtime routines, it is good to make a point to declutter your bedroom and make sure your mattress is in good condition.

Before bed

• Write tomorrow’s ‘to do’ list. Ideally do this before you get ready for bed so you can empty your head and sleep better.
• Drink a soothing, relaxing herbal tea. Try camomile, lavender or one of the many other ‘sleep time’ blends that are now available. Or maybe try this banana skin tea recipe also said to be good for sleep. Place an organic banana skin in a pot and cover it with water. Bring to a boil and let the banana peel soften for 10 minutes. Strain banana peel water into a mug or teacup and serve with a drizzle of maple syrup (optional, I didn’t) and milk of choice. Yes I have tried it and it was OK. (I can’t say if it improved my sleep as by doing so many of the other tips I sleep well anyway). 
• Have a hot bath/shower before bed … and then allow the body to cool. This is a further cue to our systems that it is night-time because our bodies naturally cool at night.
• Try essential oils. Lavender and / or roman chamomile essential oils have calming qualities that can aid sleep and are safe to use. You could put a couple of drops into the bath, or use in a spray around the bedroom, (diffuse 3 drops of essential oil into 1 tsp pure grain alcohol such as vodka, combine with distilled water in a 2 oz. spray bottle, shake well and spray) before sleep. Alternatively, you could put a couple of drops in your hands, inhale the smell and rub onto the soles of your feet or try sleeping on a lavender pillow.
• Keep your room cool. For adults, somewhere between 60- 67 degrees Fahrenheit (15-21 degrees Celsius) is recommended for optimal sleep.
• Sleep in complete darkness. If necessary, get some black-out blinds.
• Use ‘red light’ night lights for children or in hallways. This is because red light is the least likely to suppress melatonin production and interfere with sleep.
• Block out any distracting noises. Wear ear plugs if necessary. Or, if you like having some noise try playing some delta wave sleep music, or have some background white noise on.
• Keep phones out of the bedroom. Reducing any temptation of having a quick ‘scroll’ before going to sleep, or in the middle of the night should you wake up. If you use your phone as an alarm, why not buy a simple alarm clock?
• Turn the wi-fi off! Some studies show that wi-fi affects our sleep patterns.
• Keep a notepad beside your bed. If you do wake up thinking of things you need to remember you can quickly write them down on the notepad, emptying your head of them until morning.
• Worries. If you have any worries, tell yourself you will deal with them in the morning. Imagine putting them in a locked box, or write it on a piece of paper ready to be thought about in the morning, and instead think of 3 things that you are grateful for that day including having a warm bed to lie on. Research shows that by thinking of the positive experiences of the day or reminding yourself of what you have to be thankful for, you are much less likely to ponder over your worries and therefore clear your mind for a good night’s sleep. If you do have on going worries or anxieties and find yourself constantly ruminating on things it may be worth talking with a counsellor. (Even just one or two sessions can sometimes make all the difference). 
• Listen to a meditation. There are loads to choose from of on YouTube and Soundcloud. My current favourite one for going to sleep is under 12 minutes long. You can listen here.
• Try not to stress about not getting to sleep. If you find you can’t get to sleep or you wake up and can’t get back to sleep know that your body is relaxing and that you will get to sleep ‘soon enough’. Feel the comfort of the bed supporting and holding the weight of your body. Slow your breathing down and slowly tense then release each part of your body starting with your feet, or try thinking of every item in your room that begins with an A, then a B, etc. or keeping in time with your out breathe count down from a 1000 in 3’s and every time you get it wrong you have to start at the beginning. If you’re still awake after 30 minutes, get out of bed. Then do a really boring chore which you don’t like but that you can stop as soon as you feel sleepy, so it is more of a curse than a pleasure to be out of bed, until you are tired again. You want your body and mind to associate the bed solely with sleeping. (However having sex is fine as sex discharges energy and so doesn’t stop you from sleeping). 

8. Routine is Key!

As far as possible try to keep to a specific and consistent ’sleep’ and ‘wake’ routine 7 days a week.

If you would like any help or advice with any of the above, please feel free to find out more about the modalities I offer.

Live Well & Prosper

helen@livewellandprosper.uk

07545 227272

The post Top Tips to Help You Get a Good Night’s Sleep appeared first on Wellbeing Magazine.

Relationships may not always be a bed of roses, and just like a bed of roses they take constant time and commitment to remove the weeds and keep the soil in good shape to allow the flowers to bloom and thrive, especially during times of stress such as this lockdown period. So what steps can you take to keep everything in the garden rosy? 

What makes you feel loved? 

Every single one of us will have a different answer to this question. However, in his best-selling book “The 5 Love Languages”, Dr Gary Chapman, PhD, has whittled an infinite set of possibilities down to five simple ways people express and experience love. These are:

• Words of affirmation 
• Quality of time
• Receiving gifts
• Acts of service
• Physical touch

Once you understand what makes you feel loved, and what makes your partner feel loved you can use this knowledge to strengthen your relationships. Find out what your love language is. 

Tips for keeping your relationship healthy 

Every relationship is different, and a healthy one should be a source of happiness, strength and support through good times and bad. 

Communication is key!

Whether it’s romantic, business or simply friendship, good communication is the mainstay of every good relationship. That doesn’t mean agreeing with everything each other says, though from a place of respect it does mean listening intently to the other person’s pain points and not being afraid of disagreement.

Help build your communication skills with your partner with these tips:

• Speak up: If something’s bothering you, or makes you feel hurt, stressed, upset or bad in any way don’t bottle it up. Talk to your partner about how you are feeling without blame or shame, by creating a ‘safe, judgement-free space’ to talk. If necessary, agree a specific time when you can both calmly talk it through.
• Make communicating fun: Communicating with your partner shouldn’t just be about what’s wrong. Keep the spark and communication channels alive by having fun. Reconnect with some of the reasons you fell in love, what you appreciate about each other, and be playful.
• Respect each other: Mutual respect is an essential part of a healthy relationship. Both of your feelings, thoughts and dreams have equal value.
• Be supportive of each other: Just like any relationship the key is to build up, not put down. Offer each other support, reassurance and encouragement when needed, even if it’s not asked for. It’s the little spontaneous things that can make a difference. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, or letting your partner know you need support.
• Understand that male and female brains work differently: A stressed female is more likely to want to rebalance her brain chemistry and calm down by talking and interacting with someone, whereas men generally prefer to be on their own needing space and quiet time to calm down. Also that a man’s brain is wired to problem solve and fix, whereas women’s brains which are wired for talking things through don’t necessarily want ‘fixing’, they may just need to be heard.
• Try your utmost not to go to bed on an argument: It’s an old saying but very true. Take a few deep breaths and talk through any misunderstandings or arguments before bed. It’s a scientific fact, as researchers have discovered, that it’s harder to get rid of angry thoughts after sleep because as you sleep your brain reorganises thoughts from short-term to long-term memory.
• Make sure you are calm and not emotionally aroused before tackling any difficult conversations: It is OK to say ‘I need to cool off right now but I will talk about this later’.

Remember the problem isn’t that there are differences, it’s how they are managed.

Establish boundaries

All healthy relationships have boundaries, but they are not a sign of secrecy and distrust, nor are they meant to make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells. Boundaries should make you and your partner feel comfortable and help you develop positivity and increased self-confidence. You should never have to adjust who you are to ‘fit in’ with your partner. To establish boundaries you need to communicate clearly who you are, and what you would like and would not like to happen within the relationship, e.g., you don’t want your partner rifling through your handbag, or borrowing your car.

If you haven’t already established boundaries in your relationship, here are a few tips to get you started:

• Communication: Be honest with each other and share your thoughts and feelings.
• Ask, don’t assume: Don’t assume you know what your partner is feeling, even if you’ve been with them for a long time and know them well. It’s so easy to make assumptions, or try to guess what another person is thinking or feeling, though most of the time this just leads to misunderstandings.
• Don’t break your boundaries: If you break your boundaries you are signalling to your partner that it’s OK to continue overstepping the mark. Boundaries are there to protect you, and you should never feel afraid of your partner’s reaction.
• Take responsibility: It’s easy to automatically lay the blame at your partner’s feet for how you are feeling, or the situation you find yourself in, however stop, take a breath and then from a judgment-free perspective think about your choices and see if they have contributed. In a healthy relationship, both partners should be doing this.

It’s also important to realise that however much we wish for it, sometimes a relationship just isn’t meant to be, especially if you don’t feel respected, or you feel like you’re the one making all the compromises. 

Learn to give and take

It’s natural to disagree from time to time, but it’s important to learn the value of compromise. Healthy relationships are based on compromise, however again that doesn’t mean that one does all the giving and one does all the taking. No, it takes work to make sure each of you know and recognise each other’s wants and needs. If one person is doing all the giving, it will only lead to resentment and anger building up.

Here are some tips of how to resolve disagreements respectfully:

• The goal is not to win: If you only want to win, you will never reach a compromise. To keep your relationship strong, both of you need to feel that you are being heard.
• Focus on the issue at hand: Don’t drag up old arguments from the past, the outcome of which cannot be changed.
• Use non-violent communication: Replace ‘you’ statements, such as ‘you make me feel stupid’, with ‘I’ statements, such as ‘I feel foolish when you do that, and I don’t want to feel that way, would you please stop?’ 
• Learn to forgive: If you cannot forgive, the disagreement or conflict will never be resolved.
• Don’t say something you’ll regret: If you find your temper rising, step back and take a few minutes to calm down before saying, or doing anything you will regret later.
• Let it go: There are times when a compromise is impossible. At that point it’s best to agree to disagree rather than carrying on, so make up and move on.

At the end of the day, keep talking and don’t wait until the cracks start to show before doing something about your relationship. Ups and downs are part of a normal healthy relationship, though if you find there are more downs than up, it may be time to seek help and guidance.

And if someone is annoying you always remind yourself that … if you had their DNA, their past family and life experience you would be behaving exactly as they are. They are doing the best they can.

Successful relationships are built on a spirit of friendship, fondness and admiration where kindness and compassion is stronger than judgement and anger.

If you would like help around any aspect of your emotional and / or physical wellbeing, contact me on 07545 227272, email helen@livewellandprosper.uk or visit www.livewellandprosper.uk

Helen Prosper

The post Nourishing our relationships in this tricky time appeared first on Wellbeing Magazine.

It’s that sigh of relief that signals to our body that we are safe and sound. It’s that beautiful long ‘out breath’ which switches on the relaxation response and turns off the stress response. 

In other words, our breath is information, and always was, before we ever used language. 

Now let’s think about this current ‘monster’ … Covid19

COVID-19 is a very different thing. We know there is a ‘threat’ out there. We can’t see it and we have nowhere really to run, so there is no out breath of relief. 

We feel anxiety for all the known and various unknown consequences of it. Our stress response remains activated and over time becomes chronic. 

Unfortunately, chronic stress is not helpful to either our physical or mental health. Amongst other things it may weaken the immune system and renders us ‘stupid’ because it shuts down the pre-frontal cortex part of our brains. We get locked into black and white thinking, and we’re left feeling isolated, disconnected and prone to catastrophising. 

This short video by Prisma Broadcast explains why this happens and how breathing helps (please note: the video was filmed prior to the current coronavirus crisis, and is in the editing process, but was kindly given).

Add in some kindness

Once we’ve got back to a base level of stress through breathing and re-engaged the pre-frontal cortex – our thinking, creative, imaginative part of the brain – we can then go a step further and actually activate the physiological ‘opposite response’ to stress.

Amazingly we can create the antithesis of the ‘stress’ response by:

• Thinking, giving, receiving, or witnessing kind thoughts and actions 
• Giving, receiving or witnessing positive touch
• Feeling a sense of connection 

Doing, or even just feeling, a sense of kindness and connection is good for our physical and emotional health. Such feelings are known to boost our immune system, by increasing the production of SrgA molecules, part of our mucosal immune system found in the gut, and boost our oxytocin production.

Oxytocin is commonly known as the ’calm, kind, connect’ hormone. It has more recently also been coined the ‘cardioprotective’ hormone because it also acts as an antioxidant and anti-inflammatory throughout the cardiovascular system as well as stimulating the production of Nitric Oxide.

Nitric Oxide has a myriad of cardiovascular benefits, including keeping our arteries smooth, clear and elastic, so protecting them from becoming hard, calcified, clogged and brittle. 

It turns out that our physical health is influenced by how we are ‘feeling and breathing’!

Deep breathing

If we regularly do some deep belly breathing, where the out-breath is longer than the in-breath, we can keep returning our stress levels back to base level. This creates more coping capacity for the rest of the day’s events.

I routinely do about 6-10 of these breaths every time I brush my teeth, boil the kettle, and turn on my PC, as well when I feel my stress levels rising. 

Then through either doing, or if you are in isolation just thinking kind thoughts and deeds, we can become experts at creating hormones which help us to feel calm, connected, compassionate and kind to ourselves, each other and the world as a whole. 

What better way to boost our immune system, protect our cardiovascular health and feel connected right now!

For other ways of meeting your emotional needs read my latest blog, and my previous article on Wellbeing about ‘how to look after your emotional health during coronavirus’.

Words: Helen Prosper

The post Why deep breathing and acts of kindness are so beneficial to us right now  appeared first on Wellbeing Magazine.